republicans gain and keep power by the liberal application of Nixonion political principles. The “Grand Plumber/Chief Leaker” position is the highest rank attainable and can be reached only after the candidate has “made his bones”. Bones making acts include violation of any part of the Bill of Rights, misleading a majority of the American electorate, plugging administration security leaks with extreme prejudice (plumbing), and feeding false information to the mainstream media to cover up high level idiocy (leaking).
   The party was raided at the last possible minute before the frenzied revelers were about to sacrifice several liberal, progressive political captives. Undercover agent Robert Novak, disguised as a right-wing republican, big shot media shill, coordinated the raid with FBI Special Agents. This account is based on the agents report.
   At midnight last Friday, Karl Rove, Grand Plumber/Chief Leaker of the Tricky Dicks Society and several hundred high level members gathered at the deserted Media Flex theater in the now defunct Colson Mall in Wheaton, Maryland. After sneaking in through the side doors members quickly donned their Tricky Dicks uniforms consisting of stylishly tailored ivory robes and spit shined jack boots. Those who had rank among them touted riding crops and sported snap-on forked tongues in emulation of their sick society's namesake.
   The meeting was called to order by Mr. Rove, who then called upon a group of especially devoted Nixonians to the stage to perform the opening ceremony. Among them were senators Mitch McConnell, Rick Santorum, Bill Frist, Congressman Tom Delay, former Attorney General John Ashcroft, vice-president Dick Cheney, guest of honor, G. Gordon Liddy, and the queen of vituperative punditry, Ann Coulter, who chanted "Trick me, Dick," over and over in a self-induced hypnotic trance. After coming up on the stage Mr. Rove, in a surprisingly deft move for a man of such substantial dimensions, retrieved a huge torch which burst into flames as he thrust it over his head. With a complicated waving, like some demonic rendition of the Christian Cross, he signaled to the others to retrieve their fire brands from a large chest which had been slid out to meet them as they ascended the stage. They each took their torch and knelt before Mr. Rove, holding it up with their heads bowed in subservience to the Chief Leaker, who touched his fiery torch to theirs to light them. They then formed a circle around Mr Rove and walked slowly chanting, "I'm not a crook." over and over while the crowd in the theater cheered wildly.
   With another obviously prearranged signal from Rove’s over-sized torch the theater screen was filled with the images of Nixon giving his famous Checkers speech, in which the future high-level felon first duped the American people by deflecting attention to a harmless and innocent dog. The crowd began chanting "Checkers, Checkers, Checkers." with tears streaming down their faces. The scene quickly changed to Nixon giving his "There are no whitewashes at the White

House" speech. At this point a mobile
stage moved out from behind the darkness in the left corner with the rock group sadly named "The Dead Kennedys" playing slow, deep tones. After a few minutes of this another mobile stage with a statue of Nixon moved up from the center of the stage just behind Rove, so that the circle of torch-carrying devotees circled both Rove and the statue.
   With the introduction of the Nixon statue, the Dead Kennedys began increasing the tempo of the music while Ann Coulter pulled a huge bottle of Cooked Goose Vodka from a pail of ice, opened it up and poured the contents into a waiting half-filled glass ice bucket and offered to the worked-up Chief Leaker. Rove then turned to face the statue of Nixon and began to drink the entire contents of the ice bucket. As he did so the head of the statue began to turn in a circle while the mouth opened and extended a huge forked tongue which wagged back and forth in exaggerated gestures. When the ice bucket was empty Rove shattered it on the base of the statue and began dancing in a sweat-soaked, cardiac health defying-dance in front of the statue while Ann Coulter recited the preamble to the constitution backwards, and the others began to gesticulate wildly as they circled the maniacal couple.
   With his robes completely soaked with sweat, Chief Leaker Rove signaled with his torch and a yawning pit opened in front of the statue. The music stopped and spotlights focused on the head of the Nixon statue. The Dead Kennedys played a slow drum roll and a flame shot out of Nixon's forked tongue and ignited a bonfire in the newly formed pit.
   Up from a side door came a long line of captives, shamelessly chained together and brought before the crowd. Among them were several black activists, four ACLU lawyers, six abortion doctors, and the entire staff of “The Nation” magazine. Rove strutted in front of them and accused them of crimes against Nixon and the republicans. He then turned to the crowd and asked for a judgment. They screamed "Guilty, Guilty, Guilty." over and over in blood curdling voices, followed by "Burn them, Burn them, Burn them." Just as Rove and his demonic assistants were about to consign them to the flames undercover agent Novak called in FBI agents led by FBI Director Robert Mueller.
   Mr Rove is awaiting arraignment on Monday along with the entire deranged group of Tricky Dicks. Mueller later praised Novak for his brave work in uncovering this demented society of right-wing sociopaths. Novak said, "For a long time I played the part of a self serving, narrow minded, republican media shill. I'm sure glad it's over. Now that my life's work has come to a long awaited culmination, I can publish all my liberal essays, hug trees and meditate in public parks I'm just glad that no one outed me in all those years. "