A study released early yesterday by the prestigious Journal of American Mental Idiosyncrasies and Theories (JAMIT) has shown conclusively that "conservatives" have a significantly higher incidence of cramped bowels, commonly known as constipation syndrome. The study began in late 1968 right after the first Nixon election victory and the compiled evidence is irrefutable, says Dr. Morris Nolacks. "Most conservatives are very concerned about things they cannot and should not desire to control, such as sexual mores, abortion choices, science class material, and whether or not a politician 'talks' to God. The end result of worrying over these uncontrollable issues is a tightening of the bowels. This then leads to a heightened political activism that, in root, is solely motivated by the need for a complete evacuation. We recommend a daily regimen of Po-Lax, the political laxative."